The Decision

To say I’m the only person that suffers with dark days would be a lie, I do not wish to diminish what anybody is going through, to each of us it feels like nobody has it worse, nobody understands exactly what we are going through. What follows is fictional but has some base in truth.

For over thirty years I’ve been bullied over my weight ,my money and even who my friends are throw in the mix several bad work choices, bad in the sense that bulling took place there too, or maybe I just didn’t fit, times do change found a better job and things did improve quite a bit, however the bulling by those that should support continued , in there eyes they were being helpful or whatever but as you probably know it’s our eyes that matter in the end.

Ok so I had one of those bad days at work, no matter how hard i tried things still went wrong, had a puncture halfway home (push bike) while swapping out the inner tube the heavens opened, by the time I got home I was soaked through……. Jump to the week end and things had not improved, instead they had gotten worse. I got in my car it was Friday evening, found a B&B and parked up slept for the night(not well).

At a hardware store Saturday morning and drove to the cost…….

Back at the house in my room I left a letter : You should have listened for now I am gone, in a week you’ll receive a letter listing emails password etc

Be better people…..

Securing the rope to a morning post and the front of a little boat, on the post is a sign : sorry for taking your boat , pull the rope for its safe return. Now at the ropes limit, I pulled on the rucksack of rocks( hopefully heavy enough), and stepped of the boat…

I descended at Quite a pace letting the air out of my lungs, tasting the salt water, light disappeared as i was pulled lower, temperature dropped off I closed my eyes as depth took me in it’s loving embrace, it was like falling asleep………..

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Something else a tugging feeling, my eye lids shut but eyes awake, black turned to red, i coughed. Mumbling sounds reached my ears, my head was turned left then right, wax and water left my ears, the mumbling became sound became voices.

Hello hello can you hear me? Hello!

I slowly opened my eyes, the light burned making it hard to focus, colours at first yellow and red no no yellow and orange (RNLI maybe) something was strapped to my face, I passed out……… a breeze on my nose around my mouth, oxygen mask! Am i floating? I’m not walking, being carried, opened my eyes to blur once more, that’s right I used to ware glasses, the colours change now, no more yellow and orange but green and my mask is changed the mumble came to my ears as doors closed “good luck”….

Rumble hum mumble mumble and the occasional beep come to me , recognition I must be in a ambulance………

I don’t want this, I don’t want to try again…… I lie back and relax my self, closing my eyes again…..

A ambulance pulls up at the front of the Hospital, crash team runs out pulling a trolly, only to be met by a sullen faced paramedic…

“He didn’t make it! It’s like he just gave up.”